| My old pal, Steve, called today, sounding all down | | | | my brothers and I feel their pain. Actually, I'm |
| in the dumps. "My hair's falling out," Steve said | | | | sitting here with my thumbs in my ears, wiggling |
| sadly. "So I called my doctor to see if he could | | | | my fingers, sticking out my tongue and singing, |
| give me something to keep it in.""What did he | | | | "Na-a- na- na- na!" I'm sympathetic to your plight, |
| recommend?" I asked. To which Steve replied, | | | | my bald brothers, but in a "better you than me" |
| "He said to just use a box."Poor Steve, like so | | | | kind of way. Sorry.I did my best to make Steve |
| many other follicly-challenged men his age, he | | | | feel better (I felt bad after calling him, "Curly.") I |
| sees the final parting of his hair as a sign that his | | | | explained that his hair abandoning his head was |
| life is all but over. "It's all downhill from here, man," | | | | nothing personal. That's just the way hair works. |
| Steve moaned. "You know how it works. First, | | | | A man's hair is like a Michigan retiree. It spends |
| you lose your hair, then your teeth, then your | | | | forty years working for you atop your head, |
| bladder control! I might as well go out right now | | | | then, when it's old and tired, it pulls up stakes and |
| and buy a box of Depends because I'll need them | | | | heads south, setting up little hair retirement |
| by the weekend!""Come on, Steve," I said. "You're | | | | communities all along the way. They sprout up in |
| being ridiculous." (Mental note: Next time Steve | | | | a man's ears, in his nose, in his eyebrows, all over |
| comes to the house, keep him off the new | | | | his back. And I don't even want to talk about |
| couch.)When Steve and I were younger, hair was | | | | those hairy, little buggers that settle in what would |
| the least of our worries. We came of age in the | | | | be considered the biological equivalent of Miami |
| late '70's, a time when men were men and | | | | Beach. There are just some things best left |
| women were scarce and hair was something we | | | | undescribed.My conversation with Steve did make |
| all had plenty of. This was an era influenced by | | | | me wonder how I'll react when my hair finally |
| Keith Partridge and Tony Orlando and Grand Funk | | | | decides to go. I contacted my friend and |
| Railroad and The Bee Gees, who, between them, | | | | well-known haircare expert, Dr. Beechwood A. |
| laid claim to approximately 17% of the world's | | | | Jing, Professor Emiritis of the South Hampton |
| known hair. Steve and I shared 3%, and the | | | | Institute of Technology's Hammond-Eggar |
| remaining 80% was doled out to everybody else, | | | | Anthropological Department, to ask why men are |
| with most of it going to the inhabitants of the isle | | | | so attached to their hair, especially after it's no |
| of Samoa.While Steve's coiffure was inspired by | | | | longer attached to them."Hair to a man is like tail |
| the "Elvis Live From Hawaii" poster he had hanging | | | | feathers to a peacock," Dr. Jing wisely explained. |
| in his room, I sported the official do of the day. | | | | "A man's hair helps define him as an individual and |
| My hair was parted perfectly down the middle | | | | plays a tremendous part in establishing his sexual |
| with microscopic precision, layered back in wings, | | | | identity. Therefore, in a man's eyes, when his hair |
| and hanging down to my shoulders. Styling such a | | | | goes, so goes his manhood. Like a plucked |
| head of hair was a highly technical operation, | | | | peacock, he may experience a dramatic loss of |
| requiring a steady hand, a keen eye, a stout | | | | self-worth and self-confidence, especially where |
| comb (I used one of those big honkers with a | | | | the opposite sex is concerned. Such feelings of |
| clenched fist on the handle), and sixteen cans of | | | | inadequacy can lead to deep depression, bouts of |
| hairspray. I averaged burning up one hair dryer | | | | paranoia, periods of anti-social behavior, a lifetime |
| every six days and used so much hairspray that | | | | membership in the Hair Club For Men - all sorts of |
| the ozone layer still sends me hate mail. But boy, | | | | horrible things!""Dr. Jing, what can a man do to |
| did I look cool, or at least I thought so at the | | | | work through these feelings of inadequacy?" I |
| time. I look back at my 1978 graduation picture | | | | asked."They should seek out a licensed |
| now and wonder, "What the hell was I thinking?" I | | | | psychotherapist to help guide them through |
| looked like Marlo Thomas after a bad peroxide | | | | recovery," Dr. Jing concluded. "Or they could just |
| rinse.I still have a full head of hair, but I wear it | | | | take all their money and buy themselves a new |
| short these days so I don't have to do much to | | | | Porsche. Nothing diverts attention from a cue ball |
| it. Low maintenance hair, my wife calls it. It's not | | | | head like an expensive, German sports car."Great |
| that I've grown lazy. It's that, once the affects of | | | | advice, Doc. I can't wait to tell Curly -- I mean, |
| all that hairspray finally wore off, I realized that I | | | | Steve.From "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| only have so much time on earth and spending 1 | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, |
| 4 of it with a blow dryer in one hand and a roll | | | | author, speaker, and radio show host. |
| brush in the other seemed like an awful waste. | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| But even though I'm not losing my hair, I feel for | | | | their business dreams. |
| Steve and other men who are. After all, they are | | | | |