| Is it me or are the 1998 Winter Olympics about | | | | is all about: the human need to experience danger |
| as exciting as watching old people speedwalk at | | | | and excitement at someone else's expense. |
| the mall? Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as | | | | Forget the thrill of victory. We want to see the |
| the next guy, but when the nightly highlight show | | | | agony of defeat.Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor |
| contains fifteen minutes of slow-motion replays of | | | | Emiritus at the South Hampton Institute of |
| the day's curling competition (an event that's | | | | Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological |
| boring at regular speed), you know something is | | | | Department, is the man credited with identifying |
| wrong.So what's missing this time around? There's | | | | The Tanya Factor. Dr. Jing recently completed an |
| no Tanya Factor.The Tanya Factor is a theoretical | | | | extensive two day/three night study that |
| law of physics which takes into account three | | | | concluded, without The Tanya Factor, life as we |
| basic rules of human nature: | | | | know it can be pretty damn boring.Dr. Jing found |
| Rule #1: Most people are only human. | | | | that, contrary to popular belief, most people don't |
| Rule #2: Everybody screws up once in awhile. | | | | go to hockey games just to see large, toothless |
| And, | | | | men skate gracefully around the ice. No, most |
| Rule #3: When somebody screws up, the rest of | | | | people go to hockey games to see large, |
| us will stand in line to watch. Imagine Murphy's | | | | toothless men beat the crap out of each other! |
| Law with a live studio audience, that's The Tanya | | | | He also discovered that most people don't go to |
| Factor.The Tanya Factor is named in honor of | | | | the races just to watch the pretty cars go round |
| Tanya Harding, that wonderful piece of Olympic | | | | and round the track. Most people go to the races |
| white trash who made the 1994 Winter Games | | | | to see the pretty cars crash into each other at a |
| such a "must see" event. You remember Tanya, | | | | hundred miles an hour! I had no idea, did you?The |
| the chainsmoking, hard-drinking, foul-mouthed | | | | only sign that The Tanya Factor is at work in |
| figure skater who, along with her nitwit husband, | | | | Nagano has come from Ross Rebagliati, the |
| Jeff Gillooly (who has since changed his name to | | | | Canadian snowboarder whose gold medal was |
| Stone because no one could say Gillooly with a | | | | taken away after he tested positive for |
| straight face), tried to disable rival skater Nancy | | | | marijuana. To understand why an athlete would |
| Kerrigan by hitting her in the knee with a lead | | | | risk smoking pot during the Games, you have to |
| pipe. Tanya escaped serious jail time, but was | | | | understand what snowboarding is all about. You |
| charged with having lousy taste in men and | | | | stand on a miniature surfboard and fly down the |
| banned from competitive skating forever. Too | | | | side of a steep mountain at a speed that's |
| bad. Athletic role models like Tanya don't come | | | | roughly twice the speed of light. Nobody in their |
| along everyday (unless you count Mike Tyson, | | | | right mind would do that straight! Of course he |
| Dennis Rodman, Latrell Sprewell, etc.).But Tanya | | | | had pot in his system. That's probably why he |
| was special. This was a woman who puffed | | | | won the gold medal. He was trying to get down |
| Marlboro cigarettes and swilled Budweiser from | | | | that mountain before all the Doritos were |
| the can while attempting difficult skating | | | | gone!Finally, Dr. Jing believes that The Tanya |
| maneuvers like the double cowpie and the triple | | | | Factor doesn't just apply to sports, but to |
| decker klutz. This was a woman who lived in a | | | | everyday life, as well. That's why TV shows like |
| trailer and drove a Dodge Ram pickup that had a | | | | "Top Cops" and "The Worlds Deadliest Car |
| gunrack in the rear window and a bumper sticker | | | | Chases" and "The World's Deadliest Animal |
| on the tailgate that read "I'll kneecap your honor | | | | Attacks" and "The World's Deadliest Car Chases |
| student!" This, my friends, was a real woman, at | | | | Involving Top Cops Chasing The World's Deadliest |
| least where I come from.Thanks to Tanya and | | | | Animals" are so popular. They get our hearts |
| company, the 1994 Winter Games became the | | | | pumping, our blood going, our adrenaline flowing. |
| greatest show on earth. We all tuned in, though | | | | They give us what we want. They give us |
| none of us really cared about flawless skating and | | | | Tanya.And our knees are none the worse for |
| perfectly executed jumps. We just wanted to | | | | wear.From "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| see what Tanya was going to do next, as if | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, |
| there really was the chance that she and Nancy | | | | author, speaker, and radio show host. |
| would beat the bejesus out of each other in the | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| middle of the ice. That's what The Tanya Factor | | | | their business dreams. |