| Is it me or are the 1998 Winter Olympics | | | | The Tanya Factor is all about: the human need |
| about as exciting as watching old people | | | | to experience danger and excitement at |
| speedwalk at the mall? Don't get me wrong, | | | | someone else's expense. Forget the thrill of |
| I'm as patriotic as the next guy, but when | | | | victory. We want to see the agony of |
| the nightly highlight show contains fifteen | | | | defeat.Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor |
| minutes of slow-motion replays of the day's | | | | Emiritus at the South Hampton Institute of |
| curling competition (an event that's boring | | | | Technology's Hammond-Eggar Anthropological |
| at regular speed), you know something is | | | | Department, is the man credited with |
| wrong.So what's missing this time around? | | | | identifying The Tanya Factor. Dr. Jing |
| There's no Tanya Factor.The Tanya Factor is a | | | | recently completed an extensive two day/three |
| theoretical law of physics which takes into | | | | night study that concluded, without The Tanya |
| account three basic rules of human nature: | | | | Factor, life as we know it can be pretty damn |
| | | | boring.Dr. Jing found that, contrary to |
| Rule #1: Most people are only human. | | | | popular belief, most people don't go to |
| | | | hockey games just to see large, toothless men |
| Rule #2: Everybody screws up once in awhile. | | | | skate gracefully around the ice. No, most |
| And, | | | | people go to hockey games to see large, |
| | | | toothless men beat the crap out of each |
| Rule #3: When somebody screws up, the rest | | | | other! He also discovered that most people |
| of us will stand in line to watch. Imagine | | | | don't go to the races just to watch the |
| Murphy's Law with a live studio audience, | | | | pretty cars go round and round the track. |
| that's The Tanya Factor.The Tanya Factor is | | | | Most people go to the races to see the pretty |
| named in honor of Tanya Harding, that | | | | cars crash into each other at a hundred miles |
| wonderful piece of Olympic white trash who | | | | an hour! I had no idea, did you?The only sign |
| made the 1994 Winter Games such a "must see" | | | | that The Tanya Factor is at work in Nagano |
| event. You remember Tanya, the chainsmoking, | | | | has come from Ross Rebagliati, the Canadian |
| hard-drinking, foul-mouthed figure skater | | | | snowboarder whose gold medal was taken away |
| who, along with her nitwit husband, Jeff | | | | after he tested positive for marijuana. To |
| Gillooly (who has since changed his name to | | | | understand why an athlete would risk smoking |
| Stone because no one could say Gillooly with | | | | pot during the Games, you have to understand |
| a straight face), tried to disable rival | | | | what snowboarding is all about. You stand on |
| skater Nancy Kerrigan by hitting her in the | | | | a miniature surfboard and fly down the side |
| knee with a lead pipe. Tanya escaped serious | | | | of a steep mountain at a speed that's roughly |
| jail time, but was charged with having lousy | | | | twice the speed of light. Nobody in their |
| taste in men and banned from competitive | | | | right mind would do that straight! Of course |
| skating forever. Too bad. Athletic role | | | | he had pot in his system. That's probably why |
| models like Tanya don't come along everyday | | | | he won the gold medal. He was trying to get |
| (unless you count Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman, | | | | down that mountain before all the Doritos |
| Latrell Sprewell, etc.).But Tanya was | | | | were gone!Finally, Dr. Jing believes that The |
| special. This was a woman who puffed Marlboro | | | | Tanya Factor doesn't just apply to sports, |
| cigarettes and swilled Budweiser from the can | | | | but to everyday life, as well. That's why TV |
| while attempting difficult skating maneuvers | | | | shows like "Top Cops" and "The Worlds |
| like the double cowpie and the triple decker | | | | Deadliest Car Chases" and "The World's |
| klutz. This was a woman who lived in a | | | | Deadliest Animal Attacks" and "The World's |
| trailer and drove a Dodge Ram pickup that had | | | | Deadliest Car Chases Involving Top Cops |
| a gunrack in the rear window and a bumper | | | | Chasing The World's Deadliest Animals" are so |
| sticker on the tailgate that read "I'll | | | | popular. They get our hearts pumping, our |
| kneecap your honor student!" This, my | | | | blood going, our adrenaline flowing. They |
| friends, was a real woman, at least where I | | | | give us what we want. They give us Tanya.And |
| come from.Thanks to Tanya and company, the | | | | our knees are none the worse for wear.From |
| 1994 Winter Games became the greatest show on | | | | "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| earth. We all tuned in, though none of us | | | | |
| really cared about flawless skating and | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, |
| perfectly executed jumps. We just wanted to | | | | author, speaker, and radio show host. |
| see what Tanya was going to do next, as if | | | | |
| there really was the chance that she and | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs |
| Nancy would beat the bejesus out of each | | | | realize their business dreams. |
| other in the middle of the ice. That's what | | | | |